Friday, 7 May 2010

Stiletto Rage

Arguing about gender roles is something I love to do. I have realised that I particularly enjoy doing it with dominant men, even when I am within striking distance. Foolish maybe, but I cannot help myself.

A typical argument might go along these lines:

Him:'I would like to see you in stilettos and a tight pencil skirt'.

Me:'That's such a fucking cliche. Why does the collective imagination of all the male dominants in the world get reduced to a woman in heels and a revealing outfit?'

Him:'Because it looks good. And you would be restricted and exposed at the same time'.

Me: 'It's not fucking fair. Women submissives have to fit into this cliched stereotype of femininity in order to fulfil their need to be submissive. And I am a feminist and it makes me angry to be forced into a role I have been resisting all my life'.

Him: 'Oh good. So you might find it humiliating as well. Excellent'.

Me: 'GGGrrr. That's not the point. Why can't men think of other ways to objectify women apart from the ways they are already objectified in society?'

Him: 'Shut up and put those shoes on, bitch'.


  1. I'm quite fond of objectifying women in rugby uniforms. Is that an improvement, at all?

  2. that's fine. Don't get me wrong I like the stiletto thing I am really smiling wrily at myself and some of the tortuous arguments I have with myself, about feminism gender and Dominance/submission.

  3. Ha, I know those kinds of conflicts and paradoxes, yes!

    I don't have the stiletto thing, I'm more a biker boots kinda gal, so I guess in this instance it's less complicated for me in that any guy who wanted me to dress to please him (unless biker boots pleased him) would get a swift 'fuck off, mate'. However, I can totally relate to that impulse to make it clear that my acting in a way that mimics female subjugation is not me *being* or reinforcing that thing.

    Similarly, I think a lot of dom guys (but sadly not enough) want to distinguish their kink from oppressive, male-dominated social structures.

    But, going back to objectification, I'm always keen to try and redress the imbalance which dictates women are the ones obliged to be visually appealing by letting him know I have eyes and lechery too. And so I would like it if, say, he shaved his head, kept the stubble, wore those sexy jeans tonight etc, etc, because I would find that super hot.

    After all, we're two equals intent on getting our needs met. We're just *playing* at being unequal.

    But yeah, those boundaries of where playing stops and starts can be helluva tricky to negotiate!

  4. Hi thanks for your comments Kristinalloyd. Hetero M/f play and relationships are a total minefield for gender politics! I like this in some ways. It can be a safe place to act out some of those conflicts. But I have found playing with men who I don't know well, whose 'politics' I don't know well can involve going down paths I don't feel comfortable with. So I tend to try and be sure that I know the dom wants to distinguish his kink from 'oppressive male structures' like you say!

    Btw I have set up a blog carnival for kinky feminists with someone in OZ! I will tell you about it on twitter.

  5. Oh no! I've been rumbled!

    Except, as a male dom, I'd never finish with "Shut up and put those shoes on, bitch". In fact, to the challenge "Why can't men think of other ways to objectify women apart from the ways they are already objectified in society?" I would probably say, with evil glint in my eye:

    "Oh, I can think of plenty - but are you sure you want me to try?" (Alternatively, I'd have "I can think of plenty, but this is the one I've chosen for today.")

    The truth is, the accusation/challenge would get to me (especially given my feminist self-identification) and I'd feel obliged to disprove it somehow while simultaneously not letting on (because that would dispel the Domly mystique, in my mind anyway!) Fortunately, I seem to be quite an inventive soul!

  6. Hi Snowdropexplodes: thanks for your comments. I am glad that a challenge about gender would get to you within a DS dynamic. That shows you have some awareness! I have never had a conversation like the one I have put on the blog: I tend to be much more mumbling and inarticulate when actually subbing. But I like to have the discussion at some point and to be sure any dominant male is decent and supportive of feminism. SO power to your elbow!

  7. Thanks for raising this. I have only rarely seen any kinky stuff that doesn't massively feminise the women involved. I think spike heels and corsets look great but I don't actually want to wear them myself. But neither am I really butch, so I feel somewhat excluded from the "scene".

  8. hi harriet I know what you mean. There are certain cliches in the kink scene. But there are lots of people who dont conform, and hopefully dominants who wouldnt want you to wear/do things that made you uncomfortable (beyond your desires for discomfort within D/s!). I think an imaginative dom could think of loads of ways of objectifying without using high heels and corsets. see snowdrop explodes comments above!

  9. Great blogpost, interesting discussion. So, Mr SnowdropExplodes, yes, please tell us your alternative ways of objectifying women, make us hot.

    I used to always bottom till I noticed that a lot of hetero doms were somewhat misogynistic in their attitudes. Then I started switching and playing with bisexuals and lesbians. I also read Pat Califia, Mark Thompson and Raven Kaldera, who all gave me alternative ways to think about kink than the hetero discourse about it. I will not play with anyone who doesn't support feminism and recognise that the BDSM stops when the scene stops. I don't mind being objectified in a scene, but I would resent it strongly if it continued beyond the scene.

    And yes, more Tops with big boots please!